Friday, June 8, 2012

"Fortress Of Resolve And Determination"

 Friends, Today I'm Offering A Glimpse Into The Private Depths Of My Heart.  Loved Ones And Friends Alike, Have Been So Patient With Me During The Previous Seven Months.  I Freely Admit I've Been Absent From Much Of What Previously Defined My Life.  Realizing Now That GOD Will Eventually Make Himself Known To Each Of Us.  Bringing With Him Sometimes Amazingly Beautiful Experiences And Sometimes Not.  I Also Realize Now (in ways I cannot fully express) That I'm No Exception To Either The Beauties or Agonies Within The Plan And Purpose He Has Arranged On Earth.  No One Is.   

  We Each Have Our Own Journey.  Our Separate Gifts To Bring And Give.  Our Separate Joys And Sorrows.  But It's Important That I Tell You That During Mine..During My Own Private Journey, Particularly Following The Loss Of My Beloved Mother, I Took Notice.  True Notice.  The Type And Variety That Can Only Be Gained When The Soul Hurts With Such Pain That Nothing Cushions The Blow.  Friends, You Will Only Know The Unexpected When You Feel It Firsthand.

 I'm Able To Tell You Now That My Hearthbeat Actually Has A New Rhythm.  My Day To Day Life Does Too.  I've Acquired Both A Fearful Knowledge Of The Predatory Companions Called Life And Death..As Well As A New Appreciation For Heaven And All That She Seduces The Soul Into Believing, In Ways I Never Thought Possible.  I'm Telling You Straight Out That She Sends Her Angels Into My Nights And Sometimes Even Into My Days (when my eyes are totally open)..Saying Over And Over Again: The Time Has Come To Get Up And Get On! 

Recovery From Anything Is A Process To Be Sure.  Oh Yes, You Have Momentary Glimpses Of Calm And Encouragement..Then Out Of Nowhere Moments When Tremors Of Sadness Grab You By The Lungs ~ so Hard And Fast You Question Every Single Reason For Continuing To Breathe In The First Place.

Yes, During Much Of The Past Seven Months, I Spun Away From Good Sense, From Moderation, Duty and Obligation.  I Walked Quietly, Purposefully Through My Day To Day, Until It Seemed Obsurd To Have Come This Far Into Learning This Devine Lesson Sent Directly From The Thrown Of GOD ~ Only To Have Gotten Nowhere.  

It's Important For Me To Reach Out And Share My Gained Knowledge.  To Share Outloud Some Of The Newfound Understanding GOD And His Use Of Both Life And Death Has Given Me.  I Don't Want My Mother's Death To Be For Nothing.  I Don't Want My Sacrifice In Giving Her Back To GOD To Go Unaffirmed.  Losing Her Was My Catharsis ~ Maybe It Can Be Yours Too.

Regrettably, Each Of Us Will One Day Have To Face This Unhappy, Untalked About Fact Of Existence In This Life.  With The Use of Death ~ GOD Will Take Hold Of A Once Strong And Untortured Spirit, And Make Something New Out Of It.  Afterwhich You Won't Recognize Yourself ~ Other's Will Tell You They Don't Recognize You Either!  Then With These New, Barely Distinquishable Set Of Eyes, You'll Go Straight To The Bathroom Mirror To Look At Yourself.  There You Stand ~ This Tragic, Crazy Image Of A Person You Hardly Imagine Is Still YOU And She Will Stare Back At You All The While Compelling You To Find New Purpose And A More Significant Reason To Even Continue To Breathe.

But Let It Be Known ~ The Day Does Come When You Stand Upright Again.  That Of Course Is Totally Up To You.  It Happened For Me Only Recently ~ One Glorious Morning When The Sun Warmed My Face In Just The Perfect Way ~ A Day When I Once Again Felt The Surge Of Life In My Veins.  At First I Felt Guilty When All That Was Beautiful Began To Flow Again.  I Think It Implied I Hadn't Cared Enough.  Hadn't Suffered Enough.  Those Feelings Only Confuse And Delay ~ They Don't Last.  The Illusion That One Must Continue To Suffer Doesn't Come From GOD.  I Know That Now.  

How Blind Not To See That Life As Well As Death Has True Meaning Within GOD's Devine Order.  I Can Say That Now.  I Can Also Say This Southern Girl Isn't Down For The Count ~ Just Merely Entering A New Phase Of Life Here On Earth.  This Applies To My Homelife As Well As My Creative-Life.  While It's True To Say Over The Previous Seven Months I Haven't Fully Enjoyed The Many Surprises This New Phase Has Revealed ~ I Can Finally Say I'm Feeling Stronger ~ Ready At Last To Reinsert Myself Into The Familiarity Of My Previous Creative Side.  Friends, It's The One Dimension Of My Spirit That I Can Honestly Say I Fully Recognize.

So If Y'all Still Want Me ~ I'm On My Way Back!  I'm Abandoning All Consideration Here And Openly Professing Outloud That I've Missed It Here In Blogland.  Some Of My Blogging Buddies Have Been So Loving And Personable ~  My Continued Source In Bringing Goodness And Wholeness To My Still Healing Spirit.  Perhaps I Don't Tell Y'all Enough What You've Come To Represent In My World.  So I'll Say It Now~ From The Depth Of My Heart ~ I'm Grateful For Each Of You!

May Your Lives Be Forever Filled With Love & Sunshine, xoxoTerri



Isabel said...

What a truly beautiful post and one I can so relate with,it takes time to heal but we will never forget our loved ones. Thank You for sharing this wonderful post and touching on how many of us feel:O) Lots of hugs Isabel

Jennifer @ Studio JRU said...

Oh this is so beautiful, Terri. You have such courage to share this part of your journey with us. Such meaning and tenderness and honesty in your words. I am so happy to hear you are returning to your creativity. You are an amazing artist and I hope you will find joy in your art. (((hugs)))

Diana said...

My dear friend... I was reading your post and... it's so touching!!! True, warm words filled with love.
Welcome back, dear Terri!

With Love,

Rustique Gal said...

Terri, I am so glad that you are coming back from or through your suffering, slow and painful as it is. It is now time for you. Please take good care of your precious self!

Kathleen Fenton Owner Artist said...

I am so truly blessed to be part of your life. I love you!!!


Kathleen Fenton Owner Artist said...

I am so truly blessed to be part of your life!! I LOVE YOU!!!